First Thursday

Tonight, I'm going to perform some comedy at First Thursday. For those of you Honoluluans familiar with the event, First Thursday is a poetry slam, I'm aware, but there's no rules which means I can do whatever the hell I want. Maybe I'll whip it out on stage...by it, I mean my sarcasm and wit.

Originally, I was going to make Filipino jokes to appease the multi-ethnic crowd of Hawaii, but since Prop 8 got overturned yesterday, I think I'm going to go with the gay jokes. It's more adult oriented and runs a bigger risk of not vibing with the audience, but gay marriage is hot right now. It's easily the biggest news going around, and it would be foolish of me to ignore the comedic timing of it all.

Plus, I can test out my Linda Lingle jokes.

"I'm not saying she's a lesbian, but let's just say she looks like Gov. Schwarzennegger in drag."

One of Those People

Ever since I got my new iPhone, I've been trying really hard not to become one of those people glued to it like an Apple zombie. So far, I think I've been good about it. I haven't really brought it out in front of company for more than a few seconds, but when I'm alone, I do spend a lot of time playing with my apps.

Of course, the Grindr app was one of the first apps that had me hooked. Not so much now. If you don't know what Grindr is, it's pretty much a gay man's hook up app. You don't always have to hook up, but it tends to happen, as is the case for much of the gay community. Grindr uses GPS to find gays near you. It's pretty much Marco Polo for cocksuckers.

I ain't never read no James Joyce. I don't think he ever wrote Filipino jokes, either.

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Estrogen Friends

When I look at my friends and find a lack of females, I get the urge to befriend some ladies and include them in my social network. Plus, there are many non-sexual benefits to female companions. Here's a list. Feel free to make additions:

1. Hot girls = No cover charge. I accompanied a trio of honeys to First Friday one month and got into a club free of charge. Behold the power of boobs.

2. Gays + Girls = Fun. As a male that is not sexually attracted to females, having them around me is a two-fold benefit. One, I'm not constantly thinking about my appearance or sex appeal and I can focus my attention on more important things like my comedic timing. Two, they bring around the boys like free pizza. I like that. Making straight guy friends is also highly beneficial, especially when I need to learn how to change a car tire.

3. Matchmaking. Playing cupid is always fun, though I don't think I've been able to connect a marriage yet. Hook-ups maybe. But if anyone needs a messanger of love, just tap me on my shoulder and point me to your heart's desire. Otherwise, I will make the final decision.

4. A round of shots on that guy. Yes, men will do many a-stupid things for a broad, including buying rounds of top-shelf liquor for the entire group. Now if I can find two guys vying for the same girl and usher the clique to a bar, I'd be set for a couple of hours.

5. Estrogen. Not gay man estrogen, which only create 'spa days' or hissy fits, but girl estrogen, which make these things called emotions. It counters the testosterone in the air which tends to produce high fives and farts.

Current Events: They're Russian Around the Neighborhood

We captured 11 accused spies living in America, but none of them had any valuable information to give to Russia. This is like a real life Russian version of BURN AFTER READING.

This could make for a good reality television. Imagine this: 11 Russian spies live together in a cottage next to Sarah Palin. They all try to sneak information to the mother-country while Sarah Palin tries to shoot them down from a helicopter.

It'll be called "Real Spies of Alaska."

No top-secret material? What kind of spying is that? I read in the NY Times that one of the spies has a real-estate business worth more than $2 million. How much does spying pay? Right. I didn't think so. Only in this country can a treacherous person living a lie become a millionaire.

Funny Style of Grown Ups

I dragged my friend Bobby out of his apartment today to watch the movie Grown Ups starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin Smith, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. The movie was a total feel-good movie with a basic premise: five funny guys reunite and make jokes about each other. It tended towards the sentimental at times, like children finding out the toothfairie isn't real, but it was necessary to drive the character development.

Grown Ups is so well-rounded, families and stoners alike could watch and enjoy this film. The acting is believable and there are enough "Yeah, right" Hollywood moments to let you know you're getting your money's worth.

FaceTime

In my day, FaceTime involved a lot of tongue. Now you need two iPhones, a WiFi connection and a night of heavy drinking. Can you imagine the drunk dialling?

Hello, Laura? Hey baby, ish me...*hiccup.* Let's FaceTime, baby. Come on, give me some face.
Oh, yeah. You look so fucking hot tonight, baby. I must look shitfaced. Haha, get it. Shitfacetime.

BAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHFFFFFF!

Sorry about that.

Hey, who was that? I saw someone's shadow. Who are you with? What do you mean you have to go?

Hello?

The Ashley Madison Affair Guarantee

So gays and lesbians can't get married in this country, but here's a Web site that hooks up affairs.

Dude, I can't wait for marriage equality so I can join Ashleymadison.com.

The Teens

You know what I miss about the 90's? The fact that everyone felt the urge to remind each other it was the 90's. But it never really made sense.

"What? You don't own a pager? But it's the 90's."
"You can't talk to me that way, buddy. This is the 90's!"
"Wear a condom. It's the 90's."

I wonder if the 1790's were like that.

"Dude, slave music is so 90's right now."

I'm bringing it back, man. Not slavery, but the decade thing. Think about it. We are in the second decade of the second millennium since a Jewish zombie prophet came back from the dead and told us to hate fags. I think we need to acknowledge this and start living in the Teens.

That's why the Mayans calender ends the world in 2012. It's the last year before 2013!

"Yeah man, I always carry a taser when I meet someone off Craigslist. I mean, it is the Teens."
"Guess what? I bought an iPad but I don't know why. I love the Teens."
"Wear a condom. It is the Teens."