Current Events: They're Russian Around the Neighborhood

We captured 11 accused spies living in America, but none of them had any valuable information to give to Russia. This is like a real life Russian version of BURN AFTER READING.

This could make for a good reality television. Imagine this: 11 Russian spies live together in a cottage next to Sarah Palin. They all try to sneak information to the mother-country while Sarah Palin tries to shoot them down from a helicopter.

It'll be called "Real Spies of Alaska."

No top-secret material? What kind of spying is that? I read in the NY Times that one of the spies has a real-estate business worth more than $2 million. How much does spying pay? Right. I didn't think so. Only in this country can a treacherous person living a lie become a millionaire.

Funny Style of Grown Ups

I dragged my friend Bobby out of his apartment today to watch the movie Grown Ups starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin Smith, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. The movie was a total feel-good movie with a basic premise: five funny guys reunite and make jokes about each other. It tended towards the sentimental at times, like children finding out the toothfairie isn't real, but it was necessary to drive the character development.

Grown Ups is so well-rounded, families and stoners alike could watch and enjoy this film. The acting is believable and there are enough "Yeah, right" Hollywood moments to let you know you're getting your money's worth.

FaceTime

In my day, FaceTime involved a lot of tongue. Now you need two iPhones, a WiFi connection and a night of heavy drinking. Can you imagine the drunk dialling?

Hello, Laura? Hey baby, ish me...*hiccup.* Let's FaceTime, baby. Come on, give me some face.
Oh, yeah. You look so fucking hot tonight, baby. I must look shitfaced. Haha, get it. Shitfacetime.

BAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHFFFFFF!

Sorry about that.

Hey, who was that? I saw someone's shadow. Who are you with? What do you mean you have to go?

Hello?

The Ashley Madison Affair Guarantee

So gays and lesbians can't get married in this country, but here's a Web site that hooks up affairs.

Dude, I can't wait for marriage equality so I can join Ashleymadison.com.

The Teens

You know what I miss about the 90's? The fact that everyone felt the urge to remind each other it was the 90's. But it never really made sense.

"What? You don't own a pager? But it's the 90's."
"You can't talk to me that way, buddy. This is the 90's!"
"Wear a condom. It's the 90's."

I wonder if the 1790's were like that.

"Dude, slave music is so 90's right now."

I'm bringing it back, man. Not slavery, but the decade thing. Think about it. We are in the second decade of the second millennium since a Jewish zombie prophet came back from the dead and told us to hate fags. I think we need to acknowledge this and start living in the Teens.

That's why the Mayans calender ends the world in 2012. It's the last year before 2013!

"Yeah man, I always carry a taser when I meet someone off Craigslist. I mean, it is the Teens."
"Guess what? I bought an iPad but I don't know why. I love the Teens."
"Wear a condom. It is the Teens."